Demon of the Night Winds
by sassyduck
Summary: After the mission to the Ardat-Yakshi monastery on Lesuss. One-shot.


Kaidan watched as Shepard made her post-mission rounds. She always made a point to check in with everyone, though, this time, he could tell that something was...off. She had debriefed both Garrus and him in the shuttle. She never debriefed in the shuttle. And she wasn't spending as much time talking to her crew as she usually did.

He headed up to the crew deck and climbed into the shower, letting the hot water run down his tired body long after he had finished getting clean. It had been difficult, even for him, to watch Falere lose both her sister-you could tell that she and Rila had been close-and then her mother in a matter of minutes.

How much had it really affected Shepard? Kaidan wasn't sure how close she and Samara had been, but that Samara had respected Shepard had been evident. It wasn't every day that a Justicar told someone it was an honor to have called them a friend. And Shepard had tried-almost desperately-to prevent the asari from killing herself. But Samara had just given the commander the barest of smiles before saying, "By the Justicar's code, there is only one way to save Falere. My daughters. You were all so much stronger than I believed." And then she had shot herself. So that her last daughter could live.

Distracted as he was, Kaidan almost ran into Liara as he left the bathroom. "Sorry," he murmured and was about to head towards the starboard observation deck, but Liara stopped him. "Have you seen Shepard?" she asked, the concern in her voice making Kaidan stop dead in his tracks.

"Not since we got back." He looked at Liara and saw an innocent girl instead of a battle-hardened woman for the first time since the destruction of the first Normandy. She was...genuinely worried. Which worried Kaidan even more. "She hasn't stopped by to see you?"

Liara played with her hands. "No. And that's not like her. I was about to go upstairs..."

Kaidan's mouth pulled into a grim line. "Let me try first," he said and turned towards the elevator.

He hadn't really known what to expect, but a locked door had not been in the list of possibilities that had crossed his mind. Shepard never locked her door. Kaidan knocked. No answer. He pounded with the flat of his fist. Still, nothing. His omni-tool flared to life as he prepared to hack the lock.

"Attempting to pick the lock would be ill-advised, Major," EDI said over the intercom, making Kaidan jump and glance around sheepishly.

"Look, EDI-"

Suddenly, the lock changed from red to orange as the simulated tumblers began re-arranging themselves. "Ill-advised because she borrowed an encryption protocol from Legion when he served on the Normandy. Even I will need a few moments."

He rubbed the back of his neck, frowning. "Why...why are you helping me?"

"Normally, I would suggest you respect the Commander's privacy. However, Shepard has been in her bathroom for an inordinate amount of time." The lock turned green. "I am...concerned."

"Me too," he murmured as he headed for her bathroom. He slid the door open as quietly as possible, but it wouldn't have mattered. She was bent over the sink, her head-including her ears-completely submerged. "Shepard!" he shouted and rushed over to pull her out by her shoulders. She started coughing and her knees buckled. Somehow he managed to end up beneath her as they hit the floor. "What the hell were you trying to do, drown yourself?" he asked as she struggled to catch her breath.

"I was fine until you scared me," she said. "It's...quiet, under the water." Her voice was dangerously devoid of emotion. He knew that voice, even though he had only heard it once before. He took her chin between his thumb and forefinger and gently made her face him. Even though he knew what he would probably see there, Kaidan felt like someone had punched him in the gut when he found evidence of the grief she was trying so hard to hide.

He snagged a towel and gently dried her face before tucking it against his shoulder and wrapping his arms around her. For the first several minutes, she remained as immovable as a carved stone, but, after a while, she wound her fingers into his shirt and burrowed into him. She didn't make a sound, even when her body was wracked by silent sobs. He just held her, stroking her back reassuringly as he had longed to do after Ash's sacrifice.

He didn't know how long they had been sitting there on the cold tile before she finally spoke.

"I met Samara...just after Horizon. We went to Illium, and I ended up helping her obtain some information from a group of Eclipse mercenaries. In return for joining me against the Collectors, I promised to help her track down her youngest daughter. Ardat-Yakshi...kill their mates, when they meld. Apparently, the experience can become...addictive. Morinth had no misgivings about using her seductive power, and absolutely no desire to live in a monastery." Shepard swallowed. "Her end...was not a quiet one. Nor was it easy, for either Samara or for me.

"Samara was that calm voice I needed when it felt like everything was going to fall apart." She paused again, this time for so long Kaidan wasn't sure she would continue. "Why didn't she listen to me?" she gasped. "Falere wanted to stay at the monastery. There was no reason for Samara to die."

He held her, pressing gentle kisses into her hair. "She did what she felt she had to do to save someone she loved," he said softly. "I can't fault her for that."

Shepard pulled him closer and sighed. "I supposed I can't either." Her hand settled over his heart, and he could feel the increased tension in her, the way her heart rate had execrated, the muscles in her shoulders knotting. "I supposed I've done it enough times myself." She sat up and looked into his eyes. "I don't know how many more people I can lose, Kaidan. Ashley. Mordin. Thane. Legion. Samara. It's getting harder, each time, the burden heavier." He was surprised as a single tear slipped past her lashes to slide down her cheek. "Your name was almost on that list. Because of me."

He cupped her face with his warm hands, brushing the tear off her cheek with a thumb. "Not because of you. Because of Cerberus. Because of the Reapers." Kaidan kissed her, trying to express the depth of his love for her in that simple action. "The galaxy is a dangerous place. All of our lives are balanced on the blade's edge, no matter where any of us are or what we are doing. I, for one, would rather be here, by your side, than anywhere else."

Tears were streaming down her face, but she was smiling. "I don't know if I could do this without you," she said against his lips the moment before kissing him.


End file.
